Reservoir Droids
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Scene 1: An after party for a Jedi convention on Tatooine. Characters: Darth Vader(Jeff Bridges), Poopa Fett(Rowan Atkinson), C3PO(Keanu Reeves), Ignacious Skywalker(Steve Buscemi), Obi-Gyn Kenobi(Uma Thurman), PP69(Whoopie Goldberg), Wesley Solo(Jennifer Love Hewitt), Chewbacca(Jack Black), Tabitha Hutt(Oprah Winfrey), Darth Paul(Keifer Sutherland), Sith 1(cgi,voice Michael Dorn), Sith 2(cgi,voice Levar Burton).

DV: Doooooooood. Dood. D. Doooood?
IS: Hey whats wrong with Darth Vader? Why is he swaying back and forth by himself in the corner? He is usually out here mingling and threatening people by now.
OK: I think he had some of the purple the Fetts brought with them from Dagoba.
DV: Dooooooood.
IS: I wish I could understand what he is saying. Has anyone seen 3PO? Hey ladies clear a path I need to borrow this droid for a few. Don't worry I'll bring him back.
3PO: What, I beg your pardon sir? How could I be of service?
IS: Look 3PO, we need you to talk to Vader. He is having some trouble communicating right now.
3PO: Why, what language is he speaking? I am familiar with 29 Imperial encryption protocols and contain 11.2 million Imperial codes.
IS: The language is Stoner. Old Stoner, perhaps ancient primordial.
3PO: Oh my it may be difficult. What is the vocabulary size if I may ask, sir?
IS: One word, Dood.
3PO: The situation is quite dire I'm afraid.
DV: Dooooooood.
IS: See, what is he saying right there?
3PO: I'm afraid I can't translate his inflections but he may need to visit a bathroom soon, or he can't find his, bongo. With an accuracy of only 10 percent confidence, it seems.
DV: Dood.
3PO: It appears I was right, it was the bongo.
IS: Ok, making progress here gentlemen. Where is the man's bongo?
PF: I love the Bongo. Bongo Bongo Bup! Bongo Bup! Bup Bongo Bongo Bup!
WS: Have we met?
PP: I don't think so.
WS: Hi, I'm Wesley Solo. Thats a very nice blouse you are wearing. It matches your beautiful brown eyes.
PP: Thank you, Wesley. My name is PP, but my friends call me 69.
WS: So what is it you do, 69?
PP: Water filtration and recycling.
WS: Thats really interesting actually. So what does that have to do with a Jedi convention?
PP: Funny you should ask, I'm here with Obi-Gyn Kenobi. Jedi's are freaks about water purity and hygiene as we all know. Some of them refuse to drink water that has not been filtered by another organism such as a plant, an animal or themselves if you can believe it. There is no difference of course, but they have their beliefs. So I'm here mostly for business. How about yourself?
WS: Just for fun. I've always been interested in the order and like you maybe interested in making connections.
PP: What business are you in?
WS: I write books as it turns out. Stories and explorations of man and his potential. In the universe I write in, there is only one species that can think and speak.
PP: Hah! No kidding. Maybe you can write a story about me.
WS: Well I would have to get to know you first.
PP: That could be fun. Where are you staying?
WS: I'll crash back on the ship.
PP: Oh, you have your own spacecraft? I guess those books you write are pretty good? I like that blaster you are wearing by the way. Quite chic.
WS: You're welcome to come back if you want. Meet my wookie.
PP: Sounds like a party.
WS: Yeah he can take a walk.
PP: Just a walk?
WS: Maybe a long stroll?
PP: Perhaps you aren't ready for a character with some, DEPTH.
WS: Oh believe me I'm ready. I'll be taking plenty of notes.
PP: Your pen will go places no pen has gone before.
WS: So you like my blaster? It doesn't make me look fat? Excuse me I have a call. What? No, I don't know where your leash is. Will you get over it already? Fleabag.
PP: Is everything OK?
WS: Everything is fine. Well, will you look what just walked in. I think it may be time to leave.
IS: Whoa, who invited Darth Paul? Shit he's got his gremlins with him and raybans on. I think I'm out of here.
DP: Who is it that has incapacitated Darth Vader?
TH: It wasn't no ones fault, sugartits. He did it to himself. He smoked the purple.
DP: Who gave him the purple? The order is not what it used to be. Jedi. They should join me.
S1&2: Jedi.
IS: Hey Paul nice of you to drop by with your little geniuses.
DP: They are not geniuses, they are Sith.
IS: Well so long as they aren't here to help you start any trouble. And you stay away from the droids here. Consider this your warning.
DP: I see no need to take any warning from you since I am superior in every way. I have moved beyond the order with its primitive training and self restrictions. Look around you at this filth. Is this what you would become?
OK: Hello Darth Paul it is a pleasure for us to be in your company. Please introduce your friends.
IS: There is nothing wrong with the Jedi, Darth Paul, as you can see. It is you who have gone astray. Any time. Any place my friend. You know us Jedi. We still do it the hard way.
PF: I found the Bongo! Bong Bong Bong Bongo!
DP: These are my accolytes who are in training and do my bidding. May you show them the refreshments as they are quite thirsty. Nothing psychotropic, if possible.
OK: This way, boys. I think we can quench your thirsts. You poor poor thirsty Sith.
S1&2: Darth Paul.
OK: So over here we have some green teamonade and some excellent Felucian brandy. Highly recommended.
S2: If I may ask, what does your boyfriend think about you being a Jedi?
OK: I'm not sure since I don't have any boyfriends.
S1: You looking for some action?
OK: I'm flattered, but not for what you're packing. So what will it be? The teamonade or the brandy?
S1&2: Brandy.
OK: Brandy it is. Don't look so sad. I'm sure you will meet someone special soon.
S2: You don't know what its like working for him.
TH: Do you work for Darth Paul?
S1: Yes I do. We both do in fact.
TH: That is so hot. I love Sith. Let me know if you want to party.
S2: I don't think it will ever happen to us unless someone feels really sorry and out of the charity in their heart decides to seek our company. Like I said, its not going to happen.
OK: You know here on Tatooine, every vice has a price. Shouldn't be a problem for 2 enterprising young Sith.
S2: Well I'm not sure thats the experience we are looking for, but thank you.
OK: I'm not offering anything. What makes you think I would ever subject myself to your affections?
S2: Perhaps because the Jedi have a reputation for being good teachers.
OK: We are very particular about our students.
S2: Well I'm sorry if I don't measure up to your standards.
OK: You know I could get in a lot of trouble.
S2: So could we.
OK: Both of you?
S2: Ideally. Do you have a friend?
OK: Actually I do and she is here at the party. I could see if she would like to join us? By the way what planet are you from?
DP: Before you think of attacking me, be aware that my disappearance would bring incredible harm to this system.
IS: I have no intention of attacking you here. This is how we show we are better and not afraid of you. You say the Sith are so advanced but mostly I see people afraid to take responsibility. You want leadership but you don't want to earn it.
DP: We have no interest in the opinion of the masses, only their wealth. The Jedi are no different. You keep your own council and have squandered every opportunity for power and control before you. The Jedi are weak and will all ultimately fail.
IS: Without the trade surplus and piracy the Sith would be nothing.
DP: I will not tolerate false accusations as we Sith have nothing to do with piracy.
DV: Doooooooood.
IS: 3PO, what did he say?
3PO: It is hard to determine, but I believe Sir Vader is referring to a certain Wesley Solo. Also here at the party. Wanted in this very system for theft, piracy and illegal possession of a Kashyyyk native.
DP: How interesting that we now find Jedi in the company of criminals.
IS: The door is over there, Paul. You can stay if you want but your manners, please. No one is innocent here. Its Tatooine.
DP: I could have shut down the Jedi a long time ago. You know that, don't you?
IS: No, I didn't know that and I don't want to encourage you either. Respectfully, Paul, you are out of line.
DP: Not at all. Even now we have you out-numbered. Where are all your Jedi now, Ignacious?
WS: Ok thats my cue. What do you think 69, you coming?
PP: I think I will stay. Don't want to miss the fight.
WS: Well I'm sorry for that. It was very nice to meet you. Better than nice. Splendid it was.
PP: Thats sounds almost literate, you must be practicing.
OK: Sorry boys but I think something is going on with your boss over by the dancefloor. You might want to check in on him.
S1: We must attend.
S2: We'll be back I promise.
IS: Darth Paul you mutilated scrap of humanoid meat. Get the hell out of this Jedi party.
DP: I'm not going anywhere unless its with a Jedi scalp.
IS: Oh damn, what the crap is that? Isn't that a freaky place to keep your light saber?
S1: Darth Paul no longer needs a light saber and has extended himself into the form of a weapon.
IS: This is disgusting. I'm not touching that thing even if my saber was 10 meters long. Parties over. Ok everyone out. Paul, you should be ashamed of yourself.
TH: Now thats some hot love, baby. Talk about a broken heart, cut you right in half!
S1&2: Darth Paul, the danger would seem to have passed. Is the weapon functioning properly?
DP: I think its stuck. Can you reach around and tell me what the LED says?
S2: Master, it says status: engaged.
DP: Well disengage weapon you imbecil.
S2: Weapon disengaged.
OK: Darth Paul, I brought you some Green Teamonade, if you would like some. We hope you will accept our generosity and consider us with respect in the years to come.
DP: Thank you, Obi-Gyn. My enmity with your order runs deep. This is delicious, what is it?
OK: Green Teamonade. Made with imported tea leaves and the citrus of the finest terran lemons.
DP: I appreciate what you are doing, but it is not necessary. This will probably be the last Jedi convention. We have tolerated your kind long enough. I'm sorry if this seems harsh as I do not feel personally your enemy, but I do think our plans and alliances substantially differ.
PP: Then why come here? Why come at all? Why not just launch some rockets and get it over with? Why must you keep dancing around the fact that you are nervous and trying to convince yourself that we aren't a threat at all? What exactly are you waiting for, Darth Paul? We can see your molten heart like a beacon of shame and longing. You sadden us with your despair and your accolytes are burdened with your mistakes. You know you cannot hide anything from us. We see the Sith now as they are. Beyond a shroud of secrecy, they are not.
OK: 69, its ok we can handle this. Everything is under control. Please don't hurt them. They came to us in friendship. Isn't that right, boys?
S1&2: Please release our Master.
PP: I will let him breathe when I am good and ready. This close to Solo I was and you fools ruined it. Your fallen Master you will attend. Accept his apology, I will. And for your information, he was never a Jedi. Sith.

 

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Revised
10/03/30